Weeks 1 through 8

Saturday, May 19 - My cycle was due to start & I had all the usual symptoms of it getting ready to start. I am fortunate enough to have always had very predictable cycles & I have never, ever been late. So, when AF didn't show up I was surprised to say the least but I was also in complete denial that I could be pregnant.

Jack & I started trying to conceive in October. A few negative pregnancy tests later we decided it was probably for the best & that we would rather wait until after the summer to start really trying again. So, we completely stopped trying & getting pregnant wasn't even on my mind anymore. We even went as far as to announce to our families on mother's day that we had decided to wait, little did we know that conception had already taken place.

I waited four days before I gave in & took a pregnancy test. I seriously didn't think I could be pregnant, it seemed like such a long shot. But, on Tuesday, May 22 at 6:30 in the morning this happened. . .

That plus sign showed up before I even had time to flush, it was insane! I was shaking so hard because I just couldn't believe it. I ran to the bedroom & woke poor Jack up screaming & freaking out - in a good way. I will never forget how amazing it felt to see that plus sign. It was one of the most overwhelming moments of my life. Over and over again I just thought, 'is this really happening". It didn't feel real, it was too good to be real.

I had to wait three days before I got to go see my OB/GYN. It was the longest three days of my life. I spent those three days just floating around, completely disconnected from everything. All I could think about was that plus sign & wanting to see a doctor to confirm that everything was on track.

I was nearly 5 weeks when I went in, pregnancy was confirmed & everything was textbook perfect. My HCG levels were already well above 5,000. I felt so positive after that visit & so relieved that everything was already going so well.

I had my first ultrasound on Friday, June 15th. It was the single most amazing day of my life so far.

Being able to see your child, see it twitch around & hear the heart beat is completely overwhelming & consuming. I hadn't really felt pregnant until then, I had some symptoms but it just didn't feel real yet. Needless to say, seeing that little bean on the screen & knowing I was the one nurturing it, made everything so incredibly real. I already feel like a mama bear & I feel so fiercely protective of this little love.

So far, I must admit that pregnancy has not been kind to me. My body is having a hell of a time adjusting to the hormonal shifts. I have all day, ridiculous morning sickness where all I can do is lay on the couch. I am exhausted all the time, beyond exhausted. I've never been this tired in all my life, I take two naps a day usually now without even trying. I have a panic disorder that I have managed completely unmedicated for over a year but with all the hormonal changes, I am starting to struggle with it again. I have intense anxiety all the time along with panic attacks.

We had our 8 week wellness check today & I talked to our OB about it. We decided to wait it out until I am into my second trimester. If it is still this unbearable by then, I will probably start taking zoloft. I want to be able to enjoy pregnancy & I don't feel like I can right now while I feel on edge constantly. He assured me that this is completely normal, many women who have anxiety/panic issues start to  have more issues once pregnant thanks to hormones. But, I still feel bad that I am feeling like this. I want this to be a happy time, not an anxiety ridden time!

It will all be worth it in the end though, that's all that matters.